10 Problems with Celebri-delphia (and Reasons Why It Must Die):

1.) It has hurt people’s feelings.

2.) It is directly responsible for the election of George W. Bush

3.) It is indirectly responsible for the re-popularization of the Thin Lizzy song, “The Boys Are Back In Town.”

4.) It got one of us fired from a really good job with dental and everything.

5.) It pays very little (less than $21,000 annually).

6.) It increases the likelihood of psoriasis in laboratory animals.

7.) It is loved the world over and has been called “the ultimate unifier.”

8.) It is just TOO TRUTHFUL.

9.) It’s better to go out on top than to fizzle away like other websites (http://www.zumbo.ch/caps/).

10.) It could never get any better than that one post.

New Policy for Panty Raid Shows

Beloved Philly booker Maria Tesla-Pizzeria (of Panty Raid Booking and GirlzRool Nite) has announced that there has been a change in their booking policy: bands playing Panty Raid shows will now have to sign a contract that states they will not play another show within 15 weeks of the scheduled event if it falls on a Thursday. If the event falls on a Friday, bands will be required to wear yellow headbands. If the scheduled event falls on a Saturday, the band will be asked to either only play Superchunk songs or do an awesome jam on ‘E’ for a while.

“Bands have to understand that we’re a business,” Tesla-Pizzeria said over the phone. “We’ve been doing this for a long time, and this is what’s best for us, the bands, and yea, even our audience. Listen I LOSE MONEY on shows. I’m doing this because I love it.”

There’s only one word for this lady: DEDICATED.

Astute Political Commentary from Phlipity.com

Did you check out how the yahoos over at the competition pulled a brain muscle trying to get some "serious" content about the Kerry rally? It was painful -- like watching a puppy on fire.

I couldn't even get through the whole thing so I had one of our interns (Chryssy) break it down to 25 words or less. And it just landed on my desk:

KERRY ARTICLE FROM THEIR CRAPPY WEBSITE (ABRIDGED)
Yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity
yakkity yak.

24 words! Not bad, Chryssy!

Let's Pause for Some Actual News – Celebri-delphia Style!

Word just came in from an inside source (they’re the best kind) that Stacie Khyberopoulos, lovely maven over at Hayseed Entertainment (the company that books the Kimmel Center, we think) has RUN OUT OF MINUTES ON HER CELL PHONE. The drummer for Alkali Flats is reportedly flipping his wig because he needs backline info like right now.

Never a dull moment in Crazy Celebri-delphia, is there?

A "Mod"-est Proposal

You know what the hipster community needs right now? Well, I'll tell ya: it needs a website where two guys talk about stupid TV shows they've watched recently and the quality of beer coasters at various local taverns. Oh wait -- there's one of those already.

And it's called Phliberty.com. Or whatever it's called.

Jojo, Your Life Is Calling

The other day Celebridelphia.blogspot.com scooped the ever-lovin' crap out of Phidelibrity.com when we reported that Philly's beloved Jojo Troubladour was headed for the hallowed hills of Hollywood (soon to be dubbed Joeywood, no doubt) to appear in David Cronenberg's adaptation of Saul Bellow's More Die of Heartbreak.

But now we hear that Mr. Troublesome has bailed out of a little rock tour that he was taking with his band The Foreveryourgirls. So what doth this portend? Is our little homeboy headed for the (other) Sunshine State ahead of schedule? Script problems? Painkillers? Unwanted Pregnancy?

Whatever it is, you'll hear it here FIRST.

Ape Spots Some Dopes!

One of our agents (we'll call him Ape) was down at the Jenny & Brenda Tavern last night and happened to spot those two hosers in charge of Phibrillator.net. According to Ape: "they were sitting in the corner, both sipping from the same beer. You got the feeling that they were waiting for somebody to come talk to them, but nobody would. Finally, I felt bad for them so I went over and said hi. The twerpier one did that annoying, elongated 'whassup' thing and the other guy insisted not only on the high five, but also the down-low. Anyway, there was an awkward silence and then they made me point out who Dave P. was in the crowd."

Are these guys for real?

The Reviews are IN!

The whole damn burg (the one you're in right now) is abuzzed about Celebri-delphia and how it's the one and only news you can use. We had one of our interns scour the web for some of this chatter and here's what Bambi came up with:

it's kind of lame how every other post is about how they're better than the other site. that basically makes it...worse.

--Some Nerd on the Internet

We'll take it!

Related: Star Wars

Tabulating the Score at Day's End

Celebri-delphia: a million points

philadelebrity.com: zero points

So keep it here, folks.

WISHFUL THINKING

Townhall, one of our top fave bands over here at Chez Celebriphilalebridelphia broke up this morning, due to internal bleeding and excessive hand drums. What a long, stupid trip it was, right, boys?

R.I.P., TOWNHALL!

Philebrity.com: Do They Even LIVE in Philadelphia?

It's a good question, 'cuz once again they missed the biggest story of the day:

RUBA TO BE TURNED INTO ROCK & ROLL BOWLING PLACE!

That's right and isn't it about time that Philadelphia (like Vegas, Chicago, and Kapuskasing) had its very own bowling alley that also featured really awful rockabilly bands? You bet it is. Our spy "Jonny Jangle" was at the RUBA last night talking to that one guy who works at that other bar and this is what he heard. Sounds like a strike to me!

Morse Code!

Ever since “Hack” was cancelled we’ve been really worried about the career of the O.G. Celebridelphian, David Morse. Well, wipe away those tears, True Believers, ‘cuz our spy at Mike Lemon Casting has some ultra-inside scoop for y’all!

“He’s developing a new project for PAX called ‘Cross My Heart’ which is sort of a mix between the role had had in Sean Penn’s ‘The Crossing Guard’ and ‘Hack’ with a little ‘St. Elsewhere’ thrown in. David’s going to play an ex-cop who becomes a doctor but then quits it because a kid dies on him so he becomes a crossing guard who solves mysteries. He’s demanding that every episode be shot in Fitler Square!”

Good for you, David! Needless to say, we’re "crossing" our fingers for that Howie Mandel appearance!

Cheney-Owned Sparks Drink Found to Cause Scrotum Cancer in Chimps

Which is really too bad because when I had a pet chimp, that's pretty much all we gave him.

Members of Shitty Bands Waiting For Rock Lotto To Come Around Again

One of the Celebridelphian spies was out drinking orange-colored stuff last night with the members of various shitty Philadelphia rock bands and reports that these well-coifed losers were saying things like, "Yeah, like I find myself just really waiting for Rock Lotto to come around again 'cause at least that night I won't have to play Dan's terrible fucking songs." The other guy who was there, also from a shitty band, totally nodded his head. Apparently.

Related: Bloom County

An Example of the Completely Lame Shit They're Telling You Over at Philebrity.com

>>>Ok, so, a bunch of friends of ours live next door to Metro Lounge down at Front and Fairmount. In the '90s, it used to be a bar called Maggie's, and then after that, it's been several other doomed things. Anyhow, few things are as doomed, however, than this Metro Place it is a sarcophagus for Wutabi Brother-types, but it's not even really cheesey enough to compete with all the other bars in the same 100-square-yard Hellaware Avenue area. So that makes it even funnier that something decent is happening there. Weirdly enough, the Fuzzy Box crew is showing up there with none other than Dave P. doing his whole rainbowunicorns/cocainesexjams/drinksparksgetrad thing. That's tonight. Friday.

I mean, we'll give you eight dollars if you can even tell us what the hell that all means.

Those Radical Boys To Have Song Featured in Jeans Commercial Also Starring a Girl from "The L Word"

Local celebridelphianities Those Radical Bros will have their new catchy song "Catch a Dream" featured in a new jeans commercial that will be playing all the damned time on TV. That's the good news. The bad news is that not only will they not get paid anything at all, they will be laughed at by cool people far and wide. Why? The jeans are poorly made and over-priced.

That's how it is in CELEBRITYDELPHIA.

Related: Google

This Just In -- OR SHOULD WE SAY "OUT!!!"

Hangin' out at Filthy Fred's last night with Clark DeLeon I got what you might call a Major Fucking Scoop that is so completely way ahead of those pansies over at Philadelphilebrity.org that they are totally going to plotz through their pajamas when they read this: METRO COLUMNIST THOM "Nickels" NICKELS IS HOMOSEXUAL. Related: http://www.moveon.org/front/

Famous Celebrities to Appear at Rouge

Carl Sagan, Madeleine Allbright, Cher, George Will, Terry Gross, Cynthia Lennon, Dabney Coleman, Andy Dick, a famous baseball player, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Billy Joel, Sonny Fortune, Buddy Cole, Phil Spector, Ted Kennedy, Vera Nabokov, Wendy O. Williams, Edward Gorey, Don Imus, John Goodman, Peter Weller, Garfield the Cat, Gore Vidal, Penny Arcade, Jim Hightower, Peter Finch, Stan Laurel, Moses, Al Franken, Katie Couric, a famous composer, Sandy Denny, Thor.