Celebri-delphia!

Friday, November 05, 2004

10 Problems with Celebri-delphia (and Reasons Why It Must Die):

1.) It has hurt people’s feelings.

2.) It is directly responsible for the election of George W. Bush

3.) It is indirectly responsible for the re-popularization of the Thin Lizzy song, “The Boys Are Back In Town.”

4.) It got one of us fired from a really good job with dental and everything.

5.) It pays very little (less than $21,000 annually).

6.) It increases the likelihood of psoriasis in laboratory animals.

7.) It is loved the world over and has been called “the ultimate unifier.”

8.) It is just TOO TRUTHFUL.

9.) It’s better to go out on top than to fizzle away like other websites (http://www.zumbo.ch/caps/).

10.) It could never get any better than that one post.

How "Sick" Are We Talking, Pretzel-Bear???

It has recently come to our attention that Celebridelphia could get us some action from Jessica Pressler. So, we're back! To celebrate, we'll be throwing a "Re-Launch" party at Aqua tonight. For details, visit www.philebrity.com.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Local Music Writer Writes About Local Music Group

Word on the street is that Doug Wallen--he of PW's Local Music local music review--will be breaking his self imposed exile from writing about local music to write a feature on local musicians The Teeth for Local Music in this week's edition.

You may remember Doug from his July 23 feature on The Snow Fairies ("The Kids are All White") , his August 15 review of This Radiant Boy's "spazzmatic sympathies in pillbox form," and his October 13 declaration that the aforementioned This Radiant Boy is "dressing down the local music competition."

No confirmation yet on whether or not his long-awaited review of the new Cordalene MP3 will be released in time for the holidays.

PHYLLIS.COM BEHOLDEN TO CORPORATE INTERESTS!

Perhaps some of our faithful readers have, for a larf, slummed it on over to phallusbrity.com. Well, we here at the CD think it our patriotic duty to inform the masses that the ugly Money-Go-Round has wrapped its silken hand about Messrs. Furry and Swee'pea's dangling dandies. According to mediamatters.org, philuberity.tv is financed by such conglomerates as aroundphilly.com, AKA Music, and badman recording co. These three corporations have donated over $25,000,000 to the Republican National Party in the last three days.

For shame, Philistine.ru!!!

THE LUNCH HOUR

Here's everybody's favorite noon-time update:

BURRITO! Comics and Music emporium the Marvelous is having a rough time. It's rent week AND surprise tax-time. We're not sure what "surprise tax-time" is, so we're avoiding the office for the next few days. Get out of your chair and go buy the entire Bret Easton Ellis run on "Wonder Woman" and help a guy out.

COFFEE! Local hot-to-trot band "Fan of Friends" is hitting the tape, and word on the street is that the sessions are teeming with some super-tension of a decidedly non-sexual manner. According to one insider "the guys want to do all sorts of overdubs. Like synthesizers."

Can't we all just be "friends"?

BIG KAT! World-wide daily "Metro" to add "Page 3" girls in the grand British Style. Send in those pics, ladies!

New Policy for Panty Raid Shows

Beloved Philly booker Maria Tesla-Pizzeria (of Panty Raid Booking and GirlzRool Nite) has announced that there has been a change in their booking policy: bands playing Panty Raid shows will now have to sign a contract that states they will not play another show within 15 weeks of the scheduled event if it falls on a Thursday. If the event falls on a Friday, bands will be required to wear yellow headbands. If the scheduled event falls on a Saturday, the band will be asked to either only play Superchunk songs or do an awesome jam on ‘E’ for a while.

“Bands have to understand that we’re a business,” Tesla-Pizzeria said over the phone. “We’ve been doing this for a long time, and this is what’s best for us, the bands, and yea, even our audience. Listen I LOSE MONEY on shows. I’m doing this because I love it.”

There’s only one word for this lady: DEDICATED.

Astute Political Commentary from Phlipity.com

Did you check out how the yahoos over at the competition pulled a brain muscle trying to get some "serious" content about the Kerry rally? It was painful -- like watching a puppy on fire.

I couldn't even get through the whole thing so I had one of our interns (Chryssy) break it down to 25 words or less. And it just landed on my desk:

KERRY ARTICLE FROM THEIR CRAPPY WEBSITE (ABRIDGED)
Yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity yakkity
yakkity yak.

24 words! Not bad, Chryssy!

Is It Hot In Here?

SCOOP! Penisylvania.com, feeling the pressure of the Big Dog (Celebridelphia!) has sent out an urgent notice to all contributors that they will now be posting what they call news twice a day.

We're scooping Phisting.com on themselves! ITEM!

Let's Pause for Some Actual News – Celebri-delphia Style!

Word just came in from an inside source (they’re the best kind) that Stacie Khyberopoulos, lovely maven over at Hayseed Entertainment (the company that books the Kimmel Center, we think) has RUN OUT OF MINUTES ON HER CELL PHONE. The drummer for Alkali Flats is reportedly flipping his wig because he needs backline info like right now.

Never a dull moment in Crazy Celebri-delphia, is there?

A "Mod"-est Proposal

You know what the hipster community needs right now? Well, I'll tell ya: it needs a website where two guys talk about stupid TV shows they've watched recently and the quality of beer coasters at various local taverns. Oh wait -- there's one of those already.

And it's called Phliberty.com. Or whatever it's called.

Take A Gander At The SLANDER!

It has come to Celebridelphia's attention that a web-log that goes by the ho-hum name of PhilAnnLanders.com has directed some harsh words towards Millions, Mongo & Flagstaff. Hey, here's an idea Messrs. Furry and Swee'pea. Hit us with some NEWS. Maybe some of that CULTURE that's in your fancy header. What sort of publication spends all of its time reporting the do's and dont's of another publication?

It's called journalism. It's what we do. Celebri-delphia!

Jojo, Your Life Is Calling

The other day Celebridelphia.blogspot.com scooped the ever-lovin' crap out of Phidelibrity.com when we reported that Philly's beloved Jojo Troubladour was headed for the hallowed hills of Hollywood (soon to be dubbed Joeywood, no doubt) to appear in David Cronenberg's adaptation of Saul Bellow's More Die of Heartbreak.

But now we hear that Mr. Troublesome has bailed out of a little rock tour that he was taking with his band The Foreveryourgirls. So what doth this portend? Is our little homeboy headed for the (other) Sunshine State ahead of schedule? Script problems? Painkillers? Unwanted Pregnancy?

Whatever it is, you'll hear it here FIRST.

It's All In The Name... OR IS IT???

Marge from Queens Village writes in: "What is wrong with Philebrity.com? It's unclear what the brity is. If you read it, maybe it's a celebrity, but when you pronounce it, it's kinda like the liberty bell. Maybe they should make it Philebritybell.com. I think that would be better. With "National Treasure" coming out, somebody better cash in. That bell's getting ready to EXPLODE onto the scene!"

We hear ya, Marge. Duly noted. Thanks for the tip. The boys up in legal are checking into Celebritybelladelphia.com as we speak, so that Panther Millions can get his cha-ching on thanks to that ever-lovin' bell.

Ape Spots Some Dopes!

One of our agents (we'll call him Ape) was down at the Jenny & Brenda Tavern last night and happened to spot those two hosers in charge of Phibrillator.net. According to Ape: "they were sitting in the corner, both sipping from the same beer. You got the feeling that they were waiting for somebody to come talk to them, but nobody would. Finally, I felt bad for them so I went over and said hi. The twerpier one did that annoying, elongated 'whassup' thing and the other guy insisted not only on the high five, but also the down-low. Anyway, there was an awkward silence and then they made me point out who Dave P. was in the crowd."

Are these guys for real?

The Reviews are IN!

The whole damn burg (the one you're in right now) is abuzzed about Celebri-delphia and how it's the one and only news you can use. We had one of our interns scour the web for some of this chatter and here's what Bambi came up with:

it's kind of lame how every other post is about how they're better than the other site. that basically makes it...worse.

--Some Nerd on the Internet

We'll take it!

Related: Star Wars

Take This Town And Love It!

Kudos to Jessica Pressler for her "don't mind if I do" use of "City of Brotherly Shove" in last month's PW Music Edition. Self depreciating humor is as natural to our fair frown as a hot Pat's. Wit' or Wit'out? In Jessie's case, most definitely WIT.

Monday, October 25, 2004

NEW SUPERMAN SUPER-GONE?!?

C-Delphatty's Sources tell us that Brandon Routh, the recently-named successor to Christopher Reeve in the Superman film franchise, was in an episode of "Will & Grace." Will this faux pas cost our handsome hero his Man of Steel role?

Our sources say yes.

Tabulating the Score at Day's End

Celebri-delphia: a million points

philadelebrity.com: zero points

So keep it here, folks.

WISHFUL THINKING

Townhall, one of our top fave bands over here at Chez Celebriphilalebridelphia broke up this morning, due to internal bleeding and excessive hand drums. What a long, stupid trip it was, right, boys?

R.I.P., TOWNHALL!

Soundguy is Alleged Dick/Alright Guy

Celebri-delphia! has been receiving conflicting reports on the soundguy at the North Star. Our sources point to the new guy who does sound there, not the dude that was working the board at that show that our bands played together in early Summer. I originally thought he was kind of dick, based on what the roommate of the bass player in my side project band said after their disastrous show at the North Star. But, I saw him at a party once and he seemed like the veritable alright guy.

Time is on our side, we'll break this down for you in a future fresh edition.

PHILADELPHIA NAMED BEST PLACE TO LIVE AND NOT HAVE AN STD

We don't make this stuff up, folks. Google it!

Philebrity.com: Do They Even LIVE in Philadelphia?

It's a good question, 'cuz once again they missed the biggest story of the day:

RUBA TO BE TURNED INTO ROCK & ROLL BOWLING PLACE!

That's right and isn't it about time that Philadelphia (like Vegas, Chicago, and Kapuskasing) had its very own bowling alley that also featured really awful rockabilly bands? You bet it is. Our spy "Jonny Jangle" was at the RUBA last night talking to that one guy who works at that other bar and this is what he heard. Sounds like a strike to me!

This Dude I Live With Has Never Had A Job

But he tells me that every journalist in Celebri-delphia has slept with each other. Like, if PW and CP were two dogs they would just be doing it right now, like if you just happened to look out the window you would probably see it.

Morse Code!

Ever since “Hack” was cancelled we’ve been really worried about the career of the O.G. Celebridelphian, David Morse. Well, wipe away those tears, True Believers, ‘cuz our spy at Mike Lemon Casting has some ultra-inside scoop for y’all!

“He’s developing a new project for PAX called ‘Cross My Heart’ which is sort of a mix between the role had had in Sean Penn’s ‘The Crossing Guard’ and ‘Hack’ with a little ‘St. Elsewhere’ thrown in. David’s going to play an ex-cop who becomes a doctor but then quits it because a kid dies on him so he becomes a crossing guard who solves mysteries. He’s demanding that every episode be shot in Fitler Square!”

Good for you, David! Needless to say, we’re "crossing" our fingers for that Howie Mandel appearance!

If you want serial novels...

head on over to philobratty.com. We don't have time for that Garden State clap-trap. This is hard-hitting and news-like. Like, did you know that 2/3rds of crossing guards in Philadelphia have never been shot? Not even once!


Cheney-Owned Sparks Drink Found to Cause Scrotum Cancer in Chimps

Which is really too bad because when I had a pet chimp, that's pretty much all we gave him.

Sparks Will Be Flying After You Hipsters Get A Load Of THIS!

They try to hide this from us, but that's why they call it DIRT, faithful readers. You gotta get dirty to dish out the dirty dirt that people like you and me call the dirty goddamn truth!

Me: Hey, hipster, what's that you're drinking?
Hip: A Sparks! It's great!
Me: The company that makes Sparks is owned by DICK FREAKIN' WHOLE-HOG CHENEY!

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

Members of Shitty Bands Waiting For Rock Lotto To Come Around Again

One of the Celebridelphian spies was out drinking orange-colored stuff last night with the members of various shitty Philadelphia rock bands and reports that these well-coifed losers were saying things like, "Yeah, like I find myself just really waiting for Rock Lotto to come around again 'cause at least that night I won't have to play Dan's terrible fucking songs." The other guy who was there, also from a shitty band, totally nodded his head. Apparently.

Related: Bloom County

An Example of the Completely Lame Shit They're Telling You Over at Philebrity.com

>>>Ok, so, a bunch of friends of ours live next door to Metro Lounge down at Front and Fairmount. In the '90s, it used to be a bar called Maggie's, and then after that, it's been several other doomed things. Anyhow, few things are as doomed, however, than this Metro Place it is a sarcophagus for Wutabi Brother-types, but it's not even really cheesey enough to compete with all the other bars in the same 100-square-yard Hellaware Avenue area. So that makes it even funnier that something decent is happening there. Weirdly enough, the Fuzzy Box crew is showing up there with none other than Dave P. doing his whole rainbowunicorns/cocainesexjams/drinksparksgetrad thing. That's tonight. Friday.

I mean, we'll give you eight dollars if you can even tell us what the hell that all means.

Barkeep, I'll take a Celebri-delphia!

Juice of 1/2 lime
2 parts Gin
1 part Vodka
3 parts confectioner's sugar.

I'm having one right now!

Those Radical Boys To Have Song Featured in Jeans Commercial Also Starring a Girl from "The L Word"

Local celebridelphianities Those Radical Bros will have their new catchy song "Catch a Dream" featured in a new jeans commercial that will be playing all the damned time on TV. That's the good news. The bad news is that not only will they not get paid anything at all, they will be laughed at by cool people far and wide. Why? The jeans are poorly made and over-priced.

That's how it is in CELEBRITYDELPHIA.

Related: Google

Local Drummer Keeps Website Building Skills to Self

This is the fresh scooop, pals! We're picking through the juiciest morsels in this story, but you can only imagine the unfair advantage that this sticksman will have on advanced website composition in the City of Brotherly Love!

This Just In -- OR SHOULD WE SAY "OUT!!!"

Hangin' out at Filthy Fred's last night with Clark DeLeon I got what you might call a Major Fucking Scoop that is so completely way ahead of those pansies over at Philadelphilebrity.org that they are totally going to plotz through their pajamas when they read this: METRO COLUMNIST THOM "Nickels" NICKELS IS HOMOSEXUAL. Related: http://www.moveon.org/front/

Music Issues

Kids, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't lie.

This Gaydiant Boy's latest lumpy player will be entitled "Revenge of the Sweater Lover Literature Level."

You heard it here FIRST! Ba ba ba bum ba ba ba ba dum ba ba ba, bum, bum, bababababbity!

Famous Celebrities to Appear at Rouge

Carl Sagan, Madeleine Allbright, Cher, George Will, Terry Gross, Cynthia Lennon, Dabney Coleman, Andy Dick, a famous baseball player, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Billy Joel, Sonny Fortune, Buddy Cole, Phil Spector, Ted Kennedy, Vera Nabokov, Wendy O. Williams, Edward Gorey, Don Imus, John Goodman, Peter Weller, Garfield the Cat, Gore Vidal, Penny Arcade, Jim Hightower, Peter Finch, Stan Laurel, Moses, Al Franken, Katie Couric, a famous composer, Sandy Denny, Thor.

Philebrity + Gay Real World News = Wrongo!

Will the real philebrity.com please stand up? Contrary to their published report, Celebri-delphia has the real skinny on all things Gay and Real World.

No one on the Real World: Philadelphia is gay. It all comes out, or should I say comes IN, on the last episode. Keep those peepers peeled!

SCOOP!

Philebrity Blows It Again

Those clowns over at Philebration.com have once again royally screwed the poodle. Sure, they managed to pick up on the fact that Celebridelphia's Paper of Record The Philadelphia Tribune-Herald-Picayune used the term "gay as hell" in their article about Road Rules, but they totally missed the fact that the answer to 49 Across in the crossword puzzle was "dicksmoker." C'mon, guys, I thought you went to JOURNALISM COLLEGE! Related: Cancer is Bad For You

People Flip Out on the Internet

Our good friend Delores Pince-Nez (a good friend of Celebri-delphia) totally flipped out on the internet the other day when another chick told her she was fat and had facial hair. The internet was one heckuva messed up place for about two hours and that night at the bar somebody walked up to Clark DeLeon and said, "You've got a lotta nerve." The next day, everybody on the internet was discussing the matter and before you know it, we started a blog. CELEBRIDELPHIA: Where crazy bitches thrive.

Please note: philebrity.com didn't cover this bitch flip-out barely at all.

Our First Celebridelphian!

Hearken up, Phila-thebians! Hot off the hottest of hots, local swagger and limp-wrist carnivore Jojo Trouble has just been gobbled up by Hollywood to star in the upcoming remake of "Barry Lyndon." No word on the director yet, but we'll keep you posted. ITEM!

Hippy Explodes On Free Beer Night

At Some Point In Time: The Mohair Committee With DJ Dental Peelings. In which The Yellow Legend returns with his monthly gore-thrash-fest at Johnny Brenda's. What's on tap for tonight? The Legend sayeth: "I'm going to publicly humiliate my friends on the internet! Also, philebrity.com really missed the boat on this one and I think they're getting all sorts of fake tips. The good news is, I've started smoking hash again."Related: NPR